Narcissistic Abuse: It is a True Honor to be a Voice for Other Survivors
by: Todd Doyle, Author of Healing the Shattered: Surviving Narcissistic Abuse top #8 in Amazon world wide distribution.
I want to make some space here for expressing the deep sense of gratitude I have for those who have read and purchased my work. I am in a new and different place now in my life than I was prior to both experiencing the narcissistic abuse and also beginning my own healing journey.
It truly is an honor to know that I am one voice that is speaking up for other survivors of Narcissistic Abuse. I haven’t talked about this openly. As you get to know me, you’ll realize I do this. I communicate better with words in writing than I do by speaking. So, sometimes not everything will be shared in a video. My passion is writing and it always has been. I want to tell those of you who may read this article, that I have been blessed by this entire experience. I am honored to know that I speak for many of you.
But, what many of you may not understand is that this position I’m in now is also a very vulnerable one. I’ve shared some of my deepest pains inside the pages of Healing the Shattered: Surviving Narcissistic Abuse. I’ve shared my story and by doing so, I’ve let the readers into my experience. I do feel vulnerable in an entirely different way now than I did when I first started speaking out about the female narcissistic abuse I suffered.
Do I hope that people take something positive away from my book and my experience? Absolutely, I do.
Is it easy for me to open up about my traumas, shame, vulnerabilities, personal relationships, or the fact that I was abused by a female narcissist?
No. It is not easy.
It’s not easy for many men to admit it even to themselves, let alone out loud and to others, when they’ve been abused by a woman. This fact alone is why so many cases of domestic violence go unreported. This fact alone is generally a problem.
Society has, and still does in many cultures, tend to favor women in a multitude of ways.
People like Jordan Peterson and other male advocates have spoken about this topic. They’ve spoken about how men are sent off to fight and die in wars. There are many faces to what it means to “be a man.” But, the female narcissist doesn’t care or appreciate the weight of the world that men carry on their shoulders. Instead, they seek out a man’s weakest spots to exploit those vulnerabilities and weaponize the empathy we carry for their condition and use our own love for them – against us!
The female narcissist exploits and emasculates men because they seek to dominate and control the man. The man allows this because of the trauma bonding that is occurring during the love-bombing phase of the abuse. We don’t even know it’s Narcissistic Abuse while we are suffering it, because the female narcissist has an uncanny ability to make us still think they love us while they’re becoming our abuser.
That’s how complicated this monster of narcissism actually is. You don’t even realize the full extent of the abuse you’ve suffered until many months later when you’re out of the ACTIVE ABUSE.
Sure, there will be women who read this article who, deep down, only believe that men can be narcissistic. That’s simply not the truth. The Johnny Depp trial with Amber Heard showed the world that female narcissist exists.
I was actively suffering the abuse as that court trial played around the world. I didn’t have time to watch the trial. I caught snippets of it online. But, my ex had time to watch it. Maybe she even learned something by watching it? Maybe that’s why the abuse seemed to take on a whole new level after the trial ended.
It’s strange for me, being a man willing to speak up about this topic. It’s uncharted ground in a lot of ways because there are so few men who ever, in any way, speak up about being abused by women.
It’s time to change the narrative. It’s time to reclaim our own position in this world and in all of our own lives.
The truth is that women can be just as toxic, narcissistic, and abusive as the worst kinds of men. Some types of women never EVER want to admit this, because that means they would have to take the time to self-reflect about the role their own gender plays in the toxicity.
Men are told we have “toxic masculinity” for simply being born a man.
No man has ever said women have “toxic feminity” for simply being born a woman.
We have to have AUTHENTIC CONVERSATIONS about the roles both genders play. All of this nonsense, about several different topics, has to stop if we’re going to have authentic debates.
How do we have authentic debates and reach real truths and conclusions? We drop the false facts and return to embracing DIALOGUE; actual conversations.
How do we have real dialogue and actual conversations? We accept that we don’t know everything even if we can regurgitate facts that we’ve been fed to believe were truth. We drop all of that shit. We recognize when we are speaking to another person that they have their own collective experience that’s shaped their perception, and that somewhere, hopefully, in the dialogue we can reach mutual ground (or understanding).
We don’t have to always agree with one another. But, we need to learn to respect each other enough to realize that if someone is speaking to us from an authentic place of vulnerability, as I am now, their voice matters. We have to start showing up for each other. We have to drop all of the nonsense we’ve been spoonfed by these systems of control all around us. We have to begin to seek the real truth of things by openly embracing the real dialogue and the real conversations; words spoken in truth from a place of actual accountability and not artificial accountability (the regurgitating of information).
If Sally, Joe, Tom, or Juanita has a story to tell, it’s important to hear them out. Try as much as you can to validate their experience with your own best level of understanding. Pain, itself, seeks to be understood and also validated by other people.
Narcissistic Abuse for men is just starting to gain its legs. It’s important for women to recognize the full extent of the weight that men carry as men in their lives.
It doesn’t mean either of us is greater or lesser than the other gender. But, what it does mean is that ridiculous statements such as “toxic masculinity” only serve to further undermine our collective conversations between the genders. And, what does that do? It creates a false dialect or a false dichotomy between all of us.
Men have put up with a lot of bullshit from a lot of different avenues for far too long. Surviving Narcissistic Abuse for men, by way of a female narcissist, puts all of this into full perspective. Even the media plays a role in shaping our perceptions. College professors are shaping young minds. And no one, no one in society is saying it’s ok for a man to have feelings; for a man to express his hurt or his pain – EVEN WHEN he’s been abused by a female narcissist.
The only people validating men’s experiences who have been abused by a female narcissist are other victims of Narcissistic Abuse – the real victims. They know. They know that the characteristics of narcissism exist in both the male and the female versions. Other survivors are all men really have to validate their own experiences.
I thank those other survivors who validated my experience when I first began to speak up. I thank them in my book.
But, isn’t it time we all start to have the authentic talks, debates, and dialogue that we really should have to begin creating the future that we all know we deserve to leave our children and grandchildren?
Validating another person’s experience happens by sharing in their suffering.
For the first half of my life, I only knew how to talk about what I loved by showing people what I hated. This second half of my life, I’m only going to talk about what I love because what I truly hate doesn’t matter as it did before. It served a purpose. It gave me wisdom. I learned my lessons. All of us, together, should learn our lessons as we move through this time and space toward the ultimate fulfillment of all of our lives.
We all, as a collective, should begin to actually heal. Only after we’ve all healed, can the world truly become a better place for you and for me.
This… is the real Great Work.