Circular Arguments: Recognizing Conversations That Never Resolve Anything

By Todd Doyle, author of Healing the Shattered: Surviving Narcissistic Abuse

A circular argument is a conversation that keeps returning to the same point without ever resolving it, often ending close to where it started, except now you are also exhausted and apologizing for things unrelated to the original issue.

How It Tends to Go

You raise a specific concern. The conversation drifts to a past, unrelated issue. Then to your tone. Then to something you did last year. By the time it ends, hours may have passed and the original concern was never actually addressed. It just got buried under new ones.

Why It Happens

Sometimes this is just poor communication on both sides, nobody meaning any harm. In an abusive dynamic, though, it can be a way to avoid ever resolving anything, because an unresolved conflict that constantly reopens keeps you focused on managing the relationship rather than on anything else. A conversation that never reaches resolution also never reaches a point where accountability is required, which, intentional or not, serves the person who’d rather not be held to anything specific.

A Common Shape These Arguments Take

A recognizable structure: your concern gets met with a counter-example from months or years ago, often something only loosely related. Defending against that counter-example pulls you further from the original point. By the time that’s addressed, a third unrelated grievance has surfaced. Each new thread requires a fresh defense, and the original concern recedes further with each one, until it’s simply abandoned, exhausted rather than resolved.

A Way to Notice the Pattern

After a difficult conversation, ask: was the thing I originally raised actually addressed? If the honest answer is consistently no, across many conversations, that is worth paying attention to on its own, regardless of what any single conversation was about.

What Can Help

Naming one specific point before a conversation starts, and trying to notice when the conversation leaves it, can help you recognize the drift in the moment rather than only after the fact. One practical technique: if the conversation drifts, say plainly, “we can talk about that separately, but I want to finish this specific point first,” and be willing to end the conversation rather than follow every new thread. A therapist or outside perspective can also help you see a pattern that is hard to track from inside it.

See Manipulation in Abusive Relationships: A Guide to Recognizing the Tactics for related tactics.

This article provides general education and a survivor’s perspective. It does not diagnose another person or replace individualized mental health care or safety planning.